I Did My Nails Today

Most days I do put on some lipstick before going out and if meeting someone I will use some sort of scent but that is about the limit for my last couple of weeks. Add to that the fact I have had some work this month meaning I have been wearing work clothes most days, I have not been embracing much of a feminine look. I have an old pair of pants I use for messy work like paint but for less permanent staining concerns I have several pairs of leftover men's jeans I team up with my old, grey t-shirts. Toss in a pair of work boots and I hardly look ready for the catwalk but I certainly do not want to ruin clothing I care about. The sad part of this is that a cis woman would hardly give this a thought, much less experience an existential crisis over it but for a transwoman, society has conditioned us to constantly second guess ourselves and our legitimacy. So after a couple weeks of not following my usual regime I began to question what this meant. Am I not trans? Am I giving up on presenting as feminine? Have I moved on from this? Am I giving up on the whole trans thing?

All these questions whilst of course ignoring the things I do daily that express my feminine nature. Yes, I have shaved my legs (see photo), yes I have trimmed my nails, yes I have filed my nails, yes I have applied eyeliner and shadow during this period of neglect, yes I have done some skincare and yes, even if I wore men's jeans maybe half of the time, the rest of my wardrobe has been my normal daily wear. True, like most females I mix men's and ladies apparel but my basics are female attire; every day. Males shop only one side of the store and are paranoid that somebody may think they are wearing ladieswear. Even something from menswear is unacceptable if it is perceived not to be masculine enough however females are mainly concerned with, does this look nice? A lady would purchase a welding mask from the Automotive Department if it would enhance her appearance (in a positive manner).

I did remind myself that the most important transition is our internal transition and I always think of myself only as female but it is human nature to question ourselves, more so for females and even more than that for transwomen. Sadly my one transmasc friend has slipped away from me so I do not have enough experience to speak for transmen however they do seem to me to be more confident in their nature than transwomen. I continued to live each day as myself, I continued to view myself only as a female and yet the questions still crept in. This is why trans rights and the acceptance of transpeople is so important. This is also why women's rights and the acceptance of women as men's equals is so important. Until both groups have equal rights and acceptance to men, neither will stop questioning themselves and their nature. It is also why most transwomen are fierce feminists, we have more in common with our sisters than that small item that distinguishes us. Ladies, it is not as big a deal as men want us to believe, trust me, we know.