"He was in that awkward area between the closet and being truly out." C.P.O. Daniel (Dan) Oleson - The Girl in the Tank by R. I. Eliason, Part 1 of The Galactic Consortium.
I have been doing this for awhile now and believe I am finding my comfort zone. Ever since puberty I questioned my gender identity. I may have thought I was questioning my sexuality since our society did not know transgender existed 50 years ago1 and my questions about my sexuality all sprang from my questions about my gender identity. After all, how could I know I was something that I did not yet know existed?
When I first realized I was trans, I set about creating a suitable wardrobe of course, as all newly minted transpersons are wont to do. Needless to say, I had some clothing I could wear but easily 90% of my wardrobe was male. Now that I have had time to acquire a more suitable wardrobe, I find myself becoming increasingly comfortable with a unisex look. Of course I started out building a female wardrobe but as I acquired more pants type items, I find myself choosing pants or leggings most days and I find myself more comfortable with an androgynous look.
It is probably a good idea to take this time to introduce myself. Obviously my name is Jamie Lee and I am transgender but I am fairly certain there is more to me than that so let's set about learning more. I suppose the first thing you should learn about me is my name. My personal name is Jamie and my second name is Lee so either Jamie or Jamie Lee is correct. I feel Jamie is perfectly fine for people who assume I am male and is what I go by most of the time. But those who know the true me may prefer to use Jamie Lee as reference to my feminine nature. The next thing would be that I am a transwoman. There is more than one way to be trans but we shall get that at a later date. The third thing you should know about me is, I am old! Yes, old people can be trans too. Though to be fair, I did originally start out as a young transperson. Funny how that works. The fourth thing to know about me is that not many people would clock me as being trans. We'll clear that up now.
The past becomes the present: Most people would consider me to be male - a strange looking or at most, gay male. Oddly enough, the reason most people would consider me strange (or gay) seems to be my long hair. Men have been wearing long hair since the mid 1960's and now 60 years later, people still consider long hair on men to be strange? So why do people who see me assume I am male? As I have been unable to transition medically or physically, people see what they want to believe. I am tall and have male features. I am also, quietly out. While I am open about being trans, I do not broadcast it and will try to avoid advertising it in situations which could endanger me. I prefer female clothing but even so my usual style is rather androgynous. This stems in part from spending so much of my life not knowing transgender existed but knowing I needed to address my feminine needs. I often bought and wore male clothing which emulated female fashion. I did also purchase female clothing to wear but perhaps more on that in a later post. So I did begin to develop a rather androgynous or slightly gender bending style early on, though the term did not exist back then in popular culture. Most days now my go to outfit will be jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers, with maybe a hoodie. A fairly common look for all genders and surprisingly the same style I had as a faux male, only with female apparel now. At home, if I am not in my pajamas (usually a nightshirt or nightgown if you prefer) you will find me in pajama pants, leggings or shorts with a tee and maybe a light jacket or cardigan on cooler days. In defense of my female me, I would like to point out that while my plain tees are mostly menswear, some are not, my printed and patterned tees are ladieswear and some of my tops are ladies short sleeve tops that have a t-shirt style. So, not exactly hiding who I am.
Now that my internal transition is pretty much complete I am slotting comfortably into my lifestyle but still I sometimes have questions. I used to love wearing skirts due to the added comfort factor. Even when a skirt is made from a heavier material like denim and emulates a male style, it is so much more comfortable than shorts by virtue of not having an inseam or inner leg if you will. This also adds airflow and cooling in the summer, for these reasons I have always wished I could live my life in skirts. Now I find I often choose pants over skirts, even at times when there would be no concern about wearing a skirt. Part of this is that I have purchased and been gifted some ladies pants (besides jeans) which are made from lighter, more comfortable material. Much like pajama pants, this allows me to wear pants while having the comfort I crave.
Since I often opt for a look much the same as I chose whilst trying to fit in as a male, I do sometimes question my transition and my "out" experience. Am I like Dan at the opening of this article, "in that awkward area"? I think not. I fully embrace myself as a female person no matter how I may be seen by myself and others and I am building a wardrobe much like any other female of my age. Trust me, I have many more skirts and dresses in my wardrobe than my sister. Tomboys seem to run in my family and I now accept that I never was a little boy, I grew up as a tomboy believing herself to be a boy. Being a tomboy proved I was a boy, right? So it is reasonable to assume someone who grew up as a tomboy would continue to embrace a tomboy style as an adult. It is one of the problems with being a transwoman, you are expected to always present femininely. Cis women do not have this constraint laid upon them, they can go out wearing pants. They can go out not wearing nail colour. They can even go out wearing male apparel without anyone questioning their femininity yet if a transwoman isn't noticeably femininely appointed, her status as transgender and her dedication to her transition is called into question.
I would argue that I do go out as a female. Just like any other female in Canada, I purchase and wear in the clothing I want to wear. Sure there are constraints such as dress codes and weather but within these constraints I choose to wear what I like.Yes, sometimes I do mix and match male and female clothing, just like any other female. Certainly I do shop both sides of the store2, just like any other female. The thing is, I am almost always wearing what I choose to wear, just like any other trans or cis female. Like other females I prefer to choose my wardrobe without limits and develop my own personal style. I refuse to live my life or dress according to somebody else's outdated man in a dress trope.
NOTE: I have introduced some themes here of which I may develop in later entries. I will add links in these themes to those posts as I write them.
1 Not an entirely accurate statement but very few people in western society knew what transgender was or that it even existed. I was one of the ignorant masses.
2 "both sides of the store": Menswear is usually on one side of a store whilst ladieswear will be on the other side of the store so when you make purchases from both departments you are said to be "shopping both sides of the store." a common practice amongst females.
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